


Five times Pidge tries to figure herself out

by audithea



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Introspection, non-binary Pidge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 01:05:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15785811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audithea/pseuds/audithea
Summary: Katie becoming Pidge. Pidge becoming herself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one’s for S., who is an amazing person even on her worst days, and a g*dd*mn miracle on her best.
> 
> I was really unsure if I should even try to write this down, because some of this won’t necessarily work with everybody’s headcanons or perceptions of Pidge. It’s just my personal view on the character, influenced by my own difficulties with gender definitions.

It’s easier than she thought it would be. Hiding in plain sight.

 

At first she was worried everybody would be able to see through her disguise. But apparently she passes as a boy.

 

Katie Holt was a nuisance who asked uncomfortable questions about her missing father and brother.

 

Pidge Gunderson is just another cadet in a group of many.

 

There is a certain safety in this anonymity. Nobody looks at her too closely. She’s clever, she’s careful, and she’s hard-working… She can pull this off.

 

Sometimes she wonders what her mother would say. About her little girl in the Garrison, cutting off her hair, wearing a uniform. Transforming Katie into Pidge.

 

Pidge knows she’s small, but she’s definitely not a _little girl_. She hates the phrase, even if she can’t quite explain the reasons for that.

 

_You’re growing up so quickly. We might need to buy you some bras..._

 

_What have you done to your dress, Katie?_

 

_Are we going shopping or did you spend your pocket money on books again?_

 

_It’s a school dance. Don’t you want to look nice too?_

 

_What about some make-up? It doesn’t take that much of an effort!_

 

Pidge can’t really grasp the point where she stopped being like other girls. Maybe she was always different, right from the start. She was never interested in playing with dolls. Instead she wanted to know how things were built and how they worked.

 

Her father approved of that; of course he did. And she’s sure her mother never meant to make her feel bad. She wouldn’t do that; not intentionally. But her mother doesn’t _get_ her. The same way Pidge doesn’t get other girls. But she is pretty sure she doesn’t want to be like them. Not now. Not ever.

 

She just isn’t interested in the things girls are supposed to want. And she doesn’t want to pretend to be like everybody else.

 

Instead she’s pretending to be a boy now. And she **likes** it.

 

People here talk to her like her _brain_ matters. Nobody is asking her why she isn’t wearing make-up, or why she doesn’t buy herself a new dress, or if she doesn’t want to look pretty so she can meet a nice boy.

 

Of course she isn’t wearing dresses anymore. But she likes the principle of it. These people are speaking her language. Nobody even bats an eye when she asks: “How?”, or: “Why?”, and: “Where do I find the tech supplies to build something like that?”

 

She fits into this place in a way she has never experienced before.

 

Sure, she’s hiding the truth. She’s lying. But it still feels a lot easier than trying to behave like other girls. A lot more natural. That’s fine with her. She can figure this out later!

 

Right now she’s on a mission, and she would have done anything to find out the truth. She just didn’t expect… this.


	2. Chapter 2

She can’t keep her secret for much longer.

 

The  _ Castle  _ is huge, but still it  **feels** small. There are so little boundaries here, and how could there be? They are in an ancient spaceship, travelling through a region of space no other human has ever seen before. It’s amazing.

 

And maybe slightly crazy, because on top of all the new technology and the aliens (Aliens!) they are also trying to form better bonds with their lions and with each other. Because they need to form Voltron to fight Zarkon.

 

Definitely crazy.

 

So of course they are all growing quite close to each other, and Pidge is glad she isn’t going through this experience all alone. But the lack of anonymity makes her nervous.

 

People didn’t notice the truth when she was living in close quarters with the other cadets. So she should be fine. But there’s this uncomfortable disquiet growing in her.

 

She would rather tell them on her own than being found out by accident. Besides, lying to her friends is completely different from lying to people who were essentially strangers.

 

And if she stays and tells the others who she is and why she started this deception? Then what?

 

Will things be different once the other paladins understand she’s a girl? Or will they treat her the same?

 

She doesn’t really think it’s going to be a problem. She’s already proven herself, so she probably won’t be sidelined for being a girl. But still a part of her worries. She enjoys being “one of the guys”, and she can’t imagine going back to being  _ just Katie _ . She doesn’t want anything to change.

 

Which is weird, because she hasn’t even decided if she wants to stay yet.

 

Her dad and Matt are out there, somewhere. Can she really afford to lose sight of her goals? She’s becoming part of a much larger fight, one that will take time and might lead her entirely in the wrong direction.

 

She feels even more at home here than at the Garrison. This place is like a dream come true for a tech nerd like her. Does she really want to give up the green lion?  **Can** she even walk away from this? Not just from this battle, but from her friends?

 

She really needs to make up her mind about this...


	3. Chapter 3

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

 

The other paladins refer to Pidge as “she” and “her” now. Or they avoid using any pronouns at all. She actually likes that, even if it’s a bit strange.

 

Nobody treats her any different, which is a huge relief. Nobody questions her competence or her place as the paladin of the green lion. She doesn't know what she would have done if that had been the case. Maybe she would have walked away from the team after all?

 

Allura has tried to have a conversation about _girly_ things with her. Just once though. Pidge is very much still the same person she was before the others knew her gender, and she has always been _bad_ at so many things that were considered typically female.

 

Becoming Pidge has given her the freedom to put those things aside and just behave like herself. She feels more like herself too these days. Which is an odd thought in itself, because why wouldn’t she have been herself before? At least on the inside?

 

It’s very clear now she can’t stomach being a girl. Or being seen as a girl.

 

Not that there’s anything wrong with actually being a girl. But Pidge is no longer sure if she ever truly was one. Right now she has a strong distaste for everything feminine. It’s like she needs to put everything remotely girlish as far away from herself as possible. Otherwise it’s going to trap her and suffocate her.

 

Keith has asked her if she wants to buy some different clothes next time they visit the space mall. Because now they officially know she’s a girl, there’s no reason for her to keep dressing like a boy.

 

That drove her spitting mad. Later she apologized and told everyone she was more comfortable this way. It’s a lot more complicated than that, but she couldn’t find the right words at that time.

 

Her friends understood her anyway, or at least some part of it. Shiro has given her a lovely little speech about not taking the same path as everybody else and finding out who she is. No wonder Hunk has appointed him the title of “space dad”.

 

She misses her dad a lot these days. Matt too, of course. And her mom. She wonders if her family would understand this strange new version of herself. This camouflage that became a part of her.

 

But how can she explain it when she doesn’t completely understand it herself?

 

She’s usually very good about analyzing facts and finding answers. But this is not a matter of data, it’s about feeling like herself, and behaving like herself. It defies analysis and feels too big to grasp.


	4. Chapter 4

Pidge is a scientist. Science follows clear rules and definitions. She really wishes the same could be said about her.

 

Being Pidge is complicated. At some point the name Katie became something strange and alien. No pun intended. It’s alright when Matt uses it, but even he calls her Pidge more often now. It’s odd, but she doesn’t feel like a person who could be named Katie.

 

And that’s not even about the fact that she doesn’t feel like a real girl. When somebody calls her Katie it sounds just plain wrong. Like they are talking about a stranger who isn’t even in the room.

 

So she’s just Pidge now. Even if she hasn’t exactly figured out all the details.

 

She’s not transgendered. At least she doesn’t think so. She doesn’t like her body, but she doesn’t want to be a man either.

 

(She would very much like to be rid of her breasts and her uterus though. Who needs this stuff anyway?!)

 

She still uses female pronouns for herself, and she can’t see that changing either. Male pronouns or even neutral pronouns just sound wrong.

 

She thinking a lot about these terms. Male and female. They seem to be fixed concepts to a lot of people. This is the way men are supposed to be, and this is the way women are meant to be.

 

Pidge wishes it was that easy. And at the same time she’s glad she doesn’t have to be a walking and talking stereotype.

 

There are a lot of things about her behaviour which are usually associated with boys or men.

 

And a lot less things which are considered typically female.

 

One time, when she felt really bad about missing her family, Lance sat down next to her and talked about his own family. In the end she had put her arms around him und cried. Just for a little bit.

 

That’s something Pidge never would have done while she was pretending to be a boy. There are  _ rules  _ about those things, even if she isn’t quite sure what they are supposed to be.

 

Both Lance and Hunk are pretty open about their feelings. When they get scared, when they are homesick, but also when they are content or pleased.

 

And Allura really knows how to assert herself. She will take charge and nobody in their right mind will tell her she isn’t supposed to do that.

 

So this thing about male and female characteristics isn’t an exact science.

 

And if the rules aren’t written in stone but can be bent and broken… Then there’s nobody who can tell her what’s right or wrong. She can just be herself and follow her own rules. Make up new ones as she goes along.

 

At least in theory.

 

These thoughts feel deeply unsettling. She really wishes there was a clear set of rules. She’s very much aware it doesn’t work that way, but her life would be so much easier if she had a handbook on how to navigate through this stuff.


	5. Chapter 5

Sometimes she likes her body. Sometimes she doesn’t.

 

On some days she feels like a boy. On other days she feels a lot more like a girl. Or maybe like she might turn out to be a real woman at some point. What does that even mean? What makes a woman real? And why would she want that at all?

 

At times she feels utterly disconnected from everything and everybody. Like she can’t understand normal people and normal people can’t possibly understand her.

 

Her inner conflict with her gender is just a part of that. It’s a matter of everything she’s been through in the last couple of years.

 

Sometimes she’s worried about that, and sometimes she isn’t. Her friends accept her just the way she is, just like she accepts them. Maybe that’s good enough.

 

Still she worries. They are going back to earth now. She’s looking forward to seeing her parents again, but she dreads it too.

 

Her mother is going to kill her. Well, she’s going to be glad her daughter is still alive, but she’s going to kill her nonetheless.

 

She wonders how much her father has already told her mother. They didn't exactly talk about the changes Pidge has gone through; at least not in great detail.

 

She is absolutely sure her parents are going to love her no matter what. But things might be awkward or strange for a while, and she really doesn’t look forward to that.

 

She can already imagine herself being cornered by friends and neighbors of her family. Little Katie, back from her grand space adventure. Looking like a boy. Isn’t she glad to be back? Why is she still pretending to be a boy now that she’s at home? Surely that isn’t necessary?

 

She knows non-binary is the best term to explain how she feels. Not really male, not really female, but something that doesn’t fit in either category.

 

It’s not a 100% right, but it’s a concept people can understand. That’s going to raise some eyebrows too, even without her explaining all the little ways why the shoe doesn’t fit.

 

She’s a walking contradiction. But she still has plenty of time to think about this before they reach earth.

 

Maybe… just maybe… she won’t care anymore if people understand her by the time they arrive.


	6. Plus one time...

She cares. Of course she does. But it’s not the end of the world if people don’t get it.

 

She seen worlds end. Literally. This is harmless in comparison.

 

And to be fair, identity struggles really become far less important when you’ve just liberated your home planet from an army of alien invaders.

 

She’s had a long talk with her mother. (Who clearly didn’t kill her.) About a lot of different things, from joining the Garrison to returning home. And many things in between, including Katie becoming Pidge.

 

Her mother’s fine with that. She doesn’t understand it completely, and she will need some time to get used to the idea, but she would never love Pidge any less than she loved Katie. Pidge is pretty sure this is just the tip of the iceberg though. Her mother is probably going to have a lot more questions later. And she might not like all of the answers.

 

But Pidge will cross that bridge when they come to it.

 

Pidge has discovered she doesn’t really like the term non-binary. She’s female, but she’s not a girl. That’s what she will tell people when (or if) they ask. It doesn’t have to make sense to anybody else. It’s just the way she is.

 

She still doesn’t have all the answers, but she’s a lot more comfortable in her own skin now.

 

The need to label and define things has mostly ebbed away.

 

She still doesn’t like make-up or dresses. Or those horrible romantic movies. Or bras. (Though she will admit they can be practical. And not all of them are pink monstrosities.) Instead she likes video games, physics and engineering. She will jump into puddles, wear practical boots and loop the loop in the green lion.

 

None of that makes her male or female. It just makes her Pidge.

 

It doesn’t matter what people call her or what they think. At least not very much.

 

Because in the evening, when the sky turns dark, Pidge still loves to watch the stars. And she can do that either way.


End file.
